“In motherhood’s dance, regrets once lingered like shadows. Now, with a son’s success unfolding, those regrets fade away, replaced by the bright sun of deep satisfaction. Each stumble in his journey becomes a step toward his triumph.”

Someone told me the other day that it is possible to feel two or three emotions (if not more) simultaneously. My friend said, “Emotions are complex and often intertwined, and individuals can combine happiness, sadness, excitement, fear, or other emotions concurrently. This phenomenon is known as emotional ambivalence.”

In other words, it’s the experience of feeling positive and negative about the same thing. For example, a person might feel both love and frustration towards a close friend or family member. 

As I age, I gain clarity on some aspects of life while becoming more confused about others. In the depths of my despair, typically between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m., my inner dialogue takes on a critical tone, as if the Simon Cowell of my brain is offering harsh critiques even my worst enemies wouldn’t conceive. Even though I do not have any enemies, perhaps I am my own worst enemy. 

On most occasions, I can be annoyingly optimistic.

But sometimes, unfavourable opinions of myself whirl inside my brain like a kaleidoscope. The darkness is replaced by bright shards of light that sparkle and shine, only to retreat into jagged lines that lose their beauty and purpose.

Question: 

Do you ever observe your own actions as if you were a detached observer, or worse, a harsh, judgmental stranger? 

During sleepless nights when I blame my restlessness on a full moon, excessive caffeine, or hormonal changes, my internal voice leaves me feeling insecure and second-guessing myself. I question the choices I’ve made in life and the things I have said and done. Then, from backstage comes the woulda’ coulda’ shoulda’s to the forefront of my mind, taking centre stage. Before I can get up for steamed milk, a hot bath, or a soothing relaxation podcast, I add all my other standard worries, such as bills, children, grandchildren, husband, friends, and the environment, into the mix. Finally, I growl at myself and say, “Stop it!”

What is wrong with me? Am I grappling with remorse, regret, and anxiety, all intertwined?

Anxiety

Here is my take on a word and emotion we hear more and more: Anxiety is a state of uneasiness, apprehension, or fear often accompanied by heightened, worrisome thoughts about future events or uncertainties. There are varied versions, and everyone’s situation is unique to them.

Even though anxiety can be excruciating for some and debilitating for others, I’ve noticed we sometimes use the word freely in a blanket statement, like saying we have a common cold, I burned the toast, or tripped and broke our toe. More commonly, I could not sleep because of my anxiety.

I do not mean to make light of it because I know firsthand that for some, having anxiety means they become frozen and have difficulty coping. 

Anxiety is not a recent phenomenon, and it does not discriminate based on socioeconomic background. Individuals may choose to keep their struggles private, but some public figures have chosen to discuss their experiences with anxiety openly. In 1967, Barbara Streisand’s stage fright was so intense that, following a concert in Central Park where she forgot lyrics, she avoided public appearances for nearly three decades. Grammy-winning singer Adele has shared her battle with stage fright, while Oprah Winfrey has openly talked about her challenges with anxiety and panic attacks. Singer and actress Demi Lovato has been forthright about her experiences with anxiety and bipolar disorder. Both Ryan Reynolds and Emma Stone have revealed their struggles with anxiety since childhood. Author John Green and Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps have openly discussed their battles with anxiety and depression, actively promoting mental health awareness.

My attachment to anxiety and emotional ambivalence is this…

In retrospect, my mother always appeared to be in a state of imbalance. Some days, she exuded a fun-loving, warm, and comical demeanour, while other days, she was quiet and reserved and seemingly down in the dumps. Later, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. By this point, my siblings had all moved away, so I stood by helplessly as the youngest in my family. At first, I was an annoyed teenager, which evolved into an embarrassed young adult. Through it all, I loved my mom and sometimes hated her. There’s that ‘emotional ambivalence’ again. I somehow coped and, in doing so, became extremely co-dependent. I would whirl and twirl around my mother’s mood swings. On her up days, she was hilarious. But her over-the-top antics would also become too much like a kid on Christmas morning after too many presents and sweet treats. On her down days, I would accommodate her. I’d bring her tea and have no expectations. She would become quiet, introverted, and seemingly regretful of her previous antics. 

And there I would go again, with ‘emotional ambivalence.’

I credit my adeptness at navigating diverse personalities to my mother. Despite her condition, I hold no resentment towards my childhood, and in fact I cherish many fond memories. 

As an adult, I work in a high school, immersing myself in the world of teenagers daily. Additionally, I am a parent to three young adults. In my daily interactions, I often come across comments and discussions concerning the debilitating effects and challenges associated with ‘anxiety.’ We hear more about the emotional state of our young people, and some of us also are struggling with it.

ALERT: THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH MIGHT STIR UP BIG FEELINGS…YIELD, but I’d like it if you could see the humour in it…

So there’s this classic boomer, right? Picture them with their favourite vinyl records, a rotary phone, and a firm belief that avocado toast is a millennial conspiracy. When it comes to anxiety, they’ll likely suggest a time-travelling solution: “Back in my day, we didn’t have anxiety; we had to walk uphill both ways to school, barefoot in the snow. You know how we coped? We drank coffee, lit a cigarette, and called it a day. None of this yoga and meditation mumbo jumbo! Just toughen up, face the world, and if that doesn’t work, take up gardening. There’s nothing like weeding out your problems in the backyard to make you forget your worries!” 

But before you wonder why these anxiety-ridden young people do not go for a walk or have a beer in the back shed, I believe that with the changing times, several factors contribute to the increasing prevalence of anxiety among all of us. First and foremost, societal pressures, such as academic expectations, career uncertainties, and social comparisons, create a stressful environment. Social media exacerbates this. My son had a significant following and presence on Instagram and YouTube from age 13 to 18. He made thousands of dollars monthly for his videos, photos, brand deals, and worldwide travel. Then, after many conversations and sleepless nights, he shut down all his accounts and got a job washing cars.

However, there was an upside before the downside. 

Mackenzie and I travelled to eight countries and dozens of cities within those countries. He met remarkable people. Mac networked and made connections with businesses and lifelong friends. Most importantly, he learned how other cultures lived. As a family, we also got to enjoy his online personality, hip-hop dance shows, television acting gigs, and the many perks being in the public eye can bring.

When things eventually evolved and turned on their axis, Mac said, “Social media fosters unrealistic standards and is a constant comparison to others.”

Picture a social media maven, cashing in thousands for a mere Instagram post, reveling in the love of fans and followers. Just as you start feeling on top of the world, contemplating your future amidst the glitz and glamour, here comes a storm of spiteful comments, identity theft, and impostors. It’s like showcasing a treasured necklace, while at the same time, skillfully navigating through pickpockets and imitators, adding unexpected layers to the dazzling spectacle.

After five years of living an adventurous, exciting lifestyle, Mackenzie took the initiative to leave a significant paycheque, world travel, an acting career, and popularity, to seek the help of a counsellor. He was suffering from extreme bouts of anxiety. With the guidance of a mental health professional, Mac addressed these multifaceted challenges and chose a holistic approach. He joined a Gym, took our dog for more walks, got a job washing cars, and then, after a year of working on himself elbow-deep in soap suds, he decided to attend Vancouver Film School and funded it himself. Mac continues to see a therapist.

Ceedoo-Media filmed the above YouTube in Brugge Belgium. Mac was 13 years old, and this was his first Fan Day event. He later went to nine cities in Belgium and, at 14, travelled to Cologne and Frankfurt, Germany; The Netherlands; Paris, France; and London, England. A documentary about his sudden rise to fame was filmed, beginning with anti-bullying videos and his success as a hip-hop dance artist. At 14, he starred in a short film called “Follow Me.” When he was 16, our entire family of 5 travelled with Mac to Jakarta, Bali and Surabaya, Indonesia. Also at 16, Mac played the character Randy in an original Netflix series, Project MC Squared. We also lived in California for two months, and Mac travelled back to Belgium with his sister Jessica. At 17, we travelled to Singapore and Thailand as a family. As an influencer, he started his clothing line with the MH logo: toques, caps, t-shirts, and hoodies. He posted on social media, created a website, hosted events, and negotiated with brands to make brand deals. 

Now at 24, Mac writes, produces, and directs music videos in Vancouver and Spain. His business is called SOV – Son of Vincent.

Now, let’s shift gears to the broader picture. The online realm bombards us with constant economic uncertainties, global challenges, and a world that seems to change overnight. We are bombarded with an avalanche of information. The breakneck speed of our tech-driven lifestyle leaves little room for relaxation, contributing to the challenges faced by today’s youth. It’s like trying to find peace in a whirlwind of chaos.

***

You might relate to this…

After assessing my own childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood, I realized I had suffered with anxiety for my whole life, but back in the 1960s, my mother called it a nervous stomach, which our doctor confirmed. 

In the 1960s, my coping mechanism involved pretending to be sick to miss school and praying my tummy ache would go away. Over time, I’ve developed more sophisticated ways to deal with heart palpitations, butterflies, and topsy-turvy feelings. Now, I find relief through exercise, sharing my concerns with a friend, reflecting on my past through writing, and occasionally allowing myself a good cry. These tried and true strategies don’t eliminate the heavy burden, but gradually chip away at it like a sledgehammer on a dense boulder. Small bits of gravel and pebbles remain in the pit of my stomach—never wholly gone and not forgotten either.

In essence, we’re witnessing a rise in anxiety these days, and it’s due to various reasons like societal pressures, constant comparisons on social media, financial concerns, and the fast-paced nature of our technology-driven lives. It’s truly remarkable how our young people are navigating through this. Picture it as sailing on a turbulent sea with enormous, unpredictable waves created by the challenges of today. While people in the past had their own struggles, the issues we face now can feel overwhelming and cast shadows on everyone’s well-being. As sailors rely on sturdy ships to brave significant storms, we can create strong strategies to cope with anxiety. This involves supporting one another, acknowledging the experiences of our young people, and embracing the diversity that makes each of us unique.

Here’s the good news…

Lately, many parents are changing how they take care of their kids. They’re trying something new by letting their children spend less time on screens like phones and tablets. Instead, they focus on talking more with their kids and doing fun things together. This helps make their relationship stronger and healthier. Families find that spending less time on screens allows more time to talk, have good conversations, and share enjoyable moments. Parents are not just talking about school or daily routines but also about feelings, dreams, and challenges. This way of parenting helps kids grow emotionally and improves the bond between parents and children.

Nowadays, parents use different ways to guide their kids instead of using old-fashioned punishments like yelling or spanking. They teach their children about emotions, understanding others, and solving problems. Instead of just punishing, parents are taking time to explain what happens when a rule is broken, listening to what their child thinks, and helping them figure out solutions. This new approach, focused on encouragement and emotional support, aims to make kids responsible and aware of themselves. It creates an environment where talking openly is essential, and parents act as guides, helping their children as they learn to handle their emotions and grow up. 

My philosophy 

I advocate prioritizing the holistic well-being of children by investing in their growth and resilience; letting them cry if they need to, and not by themselves; listening to their thoughts and opinions, and really hearing them; and validating their hopes and dreams while nurturing their creativity.

Sometimes, I wonder if the intricate challenges faced by individuals (more recently called Boomers) who have weathered adversity, setbacks, or emotional wounds stem from a lack of being listened to, validated, heard, and nurtured as children.

Anxiety is real. 

Here is what has helped me…

Writing has proven to be cathartic and rewarding. I have laughed and cried simultaneously and then felt excruciating vulnerability when others read about my life. Since writing books one, two, three, four, and soon-to-be five, my confidence has soared, and I struggle far less with anxiety. My aging, aching body reminds me I need to stretch more, and my new grandson has shown me what a wonderful parent my daughter is. My son teaches me about the pitfalls of social media and how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That everything will be okay, and rather than dump my problems on my kids, I need to talk to a therapist. 

And then there is my adventurous, free-spirited middle child. 

She teaches me to live life to the fullest and laugh more, and when in an airport waiting for a delayed flight, patience becomes a travel companion, and the bustling atmosphere provides an opportunity to explore, people-watch, and find hidden gems in the airport’s nooks and crannies. Embracing the unexpected delays at the airport allows for a mindset shift—transforming an inconvenience into a chance to discover the charm of the journey itself. So, instead of fretting about the delay, view it as an extended layover in the grand terminal of life, where unexpected moments and unplanned adventures can turn the waiting game into a delightful experience.

Hmmm…this reminds me of life in general…Thank you, Emma.

This brings me back to finding myself annoyingly optimistic about the future. Although I anticipate occasional bouts of anxiety in the wee hours of the night and early morning, I’m working on shifting the narrative. I believe that if we can hang on for one more day, everything tends to look brighter in the morning, and even if it doesn’t, I’ve decided to keep writing and keep confiding in a trustworthy friend or two and remind myself that tomorrow is another day.

“Don’t forget the past; instead, work through the pain it carried, especially the impact of childhood traumas, and embrace each new day, where endless possibilities and brighter moments await.”

– Karen Harmon